Do you have a door slamming child at
your house?
Does your child keep outgrowing all
of his/her clothes?
Are you wondering what is going on
inside of your child’s head at this time of his/her life?
Welcome to the
Young
Adolescent Years
"No
other age level is of more importance to the future of individuals, and,
literally, to that of society; because these are the years when youngsters
crystallize their beliefs about themselves and firm up their self-concepts,
their philosophies of life and their values - the things that are the ultimate
determinants of their behaviors."
Understanding and Appreciating the
Wonder Years
John H. Lounsbury
Developmental Traits
v Physical
Tools and Strategies for
Parents
v How to
cope with adolescent emotions
v Managing early adolescent behavior
~ Developing effective management
techniques
~ Ways to
make communication more effective
v What teenagers think you should know
v Resources
– web pages and books
Teen Talk
v Questions
and answers to teen problems and concerns by teens and for teens
ü (All of this information
was developed by the Young Adolescent Development Course at Johnson State
College for parents, adolescents, and the general public in observance of
October being the Month of the Young Adolescent. Most of our information is based on the book
Early Adolescence-understanding 10-15 year olds by Gail Caissy)
Moodiness
Due to
increasing hormones, emotions of adolescents tend to be unstable; at one point
the child seems happy and the next moment the child is miserable. These mood swings go from extreme happiness
to extreme sadness. At times,
adolescents also hide their emotions, not wanting anyone to see how s/he feels.
Anger
Anger from
adolescents is typically expressed through storming out (door slamming, etc.)
or sudden outbursts at someone or something that is not the original
problem. For example, the child has a
rough day at school with a teacher but suddenly explodes at their parent
because the parent asked the child to help in the kitchen. Usually adolescents realize that anger is not
the best way to handle their emotions and figure out more appropriate ways to
deal with their feelings.
Fears, Worries and Anxiety
Early
adolescents spend a lot of time worrying about their physical appearance,
school and social situations. What their
peers think of them is very important to them.
This anxiety includes what people think about the way they dress, the
way they act, what they say, how they look, and so on.
Instability
Adolescents’
interests and goals are constantly changing during this time period. They try one activity, abandon it, and try
something else. They are trying to find
what interests them most by trying 
new things.
Extremes
At certain
times, adolescents tend to make comments to the extreme, exaggerating them out
of proportion. Common sayings are,
“Everyone was there. Nobody ever does
that. I hate that. I love that.
That thing is so stupid, etc.”
Accepting Their New Bodies
As the early
adolescent body begins to take on a more adult form, the adolescent tends to
worry about many different things. One thing they are worried about is what
they are going to look like when they grow up.
Another is they are worried that they are developing too fast or too
slow. This is because each child
develops at different ages so they are constantly comparing themselves to their
peers. Adolescents worry that they do
not look like the ideal bodies they see on TV.
Adolescents tend to view the negatives of their body rather than looking
at the positive parts of their appearance.
Inferiority and Developing Self-Esteem
Developing
self-esteem (how a person feels about him or herself) is related to the
adolescent’s development and appearance.
Adolescents who are obese, underdeveloped, overdeveloped or short, for
example, are often so worried about what they look like; it is difficult for
them to feel good about themselves.
Feelings of inferiority develop because of lack of self-confidence,
insecurity or feeling like they don’t have any friends. Name calling, such as “dummy”, can affect
feelings of inferiority, making adolescents feel that they aren’t as smart as
their peers.
Developing
self-esteem is very important at this age because adolescents who have good
self-esteem are more confident, more successful, less subject to peer pressure,
better able to solve problems, and generally happy with themselves. While it is important for parents to help
build good self-esteem, most parents are misguided in the best way to do
this. Self-esteem is something that
needs to come from the child. Parents
can guide, support and encourage, but they cannot give the child self-esteem by
giving everything to the adolescent.
Self-esteem is something
that grows in a person over time.
Usually self-esteem grows after accomplishing something. Learning how to play an instrument, getting a
new job, building something, or helping a neighbor are all ways a child can
feel better about themselves. The feeling of accomplishment after the child
builds a bench or plays his/her instrument at a recital is important at this
age. This is different than a parent
trying to build self-esteem by doing everything to “make” the child happy. The child is doing the new things that s/he
has learned and feels a sense of pride.
A child needs the love and support of friends and family during this
time to help him/her gain a good feeling about him/herself.
Questioning of Values
As young children, kids tend to believe without question
everything adults around them say. As
adolescents, they start to question what adults say because now they have “seen
the world as it really is”. For
instance, as young children, they believed the adults when they said that drugs
were bad and would kill you. As
adolescents, they question this because they have seen the Major League
Baseball Player that was “taking drugs” and he looks “just fine”. Adolescents don’t see the entire picture so
they just think that drugs can’t be that bad.
Adolescents start to think that adults don’t really know what they are
talking about and begin to question the values they were brought up with.
Know-It-All Attitude, Idealism and
Criticism
As adolescents
begin questioning all things taught to them, they now think they know the
solution to 
all
problems. Because adolescents tend to
simplify problems to make them less complex, their solutions don’t work for all
situations. Boys and girls at this age
think they have solved the problem and the adults just aren’t smart enough to
“get it”. Therefore a feeling of
superiority arises in the adolescent but the adolescent doesn’t understand that
his/her solution just won’t work. This
causes conflict because the adolescent feels that the adult isn’t listening and
the adult tries to explain why their idea won’t work without disappointing the
child.
Idealism is
very common at this stage. As
adolescents start to try to solve the problems of the world, they tend to think
that the best possible results will always happen. (ex.
Helping countries battle hunger or helping the homeless) They want to solve all of the problems in the
world to make sure everyone is happy. Of
course, when this does not occur, adolescents feel disappointed.
“I am free to
criticize you, but please don’t criticize me.”
This sums up criticism for an adolescent. They are starting to view the
world differently and with this is their “right” to criticize based on their
findings. Although adolescents feel
frustrated when they are criticized, adolescents spend most of their time
criticizing others. Adults need to be
sensitive about their criticism of adolescents because it can affect
self-esteem.
Feelings and Affection
Girls and boys
at this age start to have feelings of affection towards the opposite sex. Girls think about the person all of the time
and think that they are “in love”.
Adults think it is cute “puppy love”.
This makes adolescents feel like adults just don’t understand because
these feelings are so intense. Boys, on
the other hand, are more likely to have strong sexual feelings towards
girls. This develops more of a sexual
drive with wet dreams and sexual tension.
This can be confusing for boys at this age.
Adolescents at
this age don’t want to show affection to family or friends in public. They feel embarrassed and are afraid that
their friends will pick on them.
Sometimes affection is fine, as long as it is done in private.
Social and Behavioral Development
The early adolescents have the need, as
they are becoming more adult-like in appearance, to form their own
identity. “Who am I? How did I get this
way? What do others see when they look
at me?”
They think that being an adult is cool:
adults can do whatever they want, make their own rules, stay out as late as
they want, and buy whatever they want.
Early adolescents don’t see the responsibility and restrictions that go
along with that such as working every day, supporting a family, and making hard
decisions. They are not yet mature
enough to realize that the media fantasies are not reality. Early adolescents believe what they see in
videos, commercials and even soap operas.
These are the places that they learn about smoking, drinking,
popularity, sexy clothes, and that dating and sex are no big deals. They want to do adult things but lack the
experience and vision to see the consequences of their behaviors. These can be as simple as not wearing a coat
and hat in below freezing weather or as complicated as getting pregnant.
Discovering who they want to be requires
experimentation. They will test out many
social roles and identities in order to find their own. They will experiment on harmless things such
as hairstyles and clothing and may also experiment on more negative things such
as drinking, drugs and sex.
To feel like they are becoming
adults they need to disassociate from adult influence which results in
rebellion. They will do the opposite of
what is asked of them from an adult.
This may reveal itself in loud music, weird clothes and hair, messy
rooms, and talking tough, as well as drugs, drinking, sex and crimes. Even though this is difficult for adults to
deal with, it is a necessary psychological process that early adolescents use
to establish independence. Parents need
to allow safe rebellion. Trying to stop
it will just make it worse.
Since they have separated from adults,
early adolescents need a peer group and friendships for guidance, support and
advice. Their personalities may change
in order to attract friends. They may
establish two different personalities; one for friends and one for home. If a child falls into a deviant group there
is a good chance that s/he will do deviant things in order to be accepted by
that new group. The need to conform is
greatest for 12-15 year olds.
One of the adolescents’ greatest fears
is to be different than their peers.
Conformity is huge and is reflected in choices of mannerisms, clothes,
speech and music. Those with negative
self-image and low self-esteem are more easily influenced by peers because they
are desperate to be liked and accepted.
Those who don’t conform may be picked on, which causes isolation and
depression.
Teens need someone to talk to them about peer pressure and
why it is such a powerful influence.
This way they will have something to fall back on if it has been
discussed earlier. Have a discussion
that includes questions such as “What if a friend approaches you about doing
drugs? What if a boy pressures you to
kiss him or have sex? What if you are
coerced into going someplace without your parents knowing? What if a group pressures you to pick on
another kid? What if you are asked to smoke
or drink in order to hang out with the ‘cool’ kids?” If these questions have been discussed, then
the child will be empowered to answer them rationally and there will be less of
a chance for them to fall into peer pressure.
“ As of yet no theory, study, or research has
produced an absolutely clear or definitive picture of human mental development
in which development and age, for example, can be matched exactly.”
Early
Adolescence, Gail A. Caissy
As a child begins puberty, he is still
thinking like a child; in a concrete manner.
He still needs to see what he is learning about in order to visualize
it. As this child goes through
adolescence, he begins to transform his thinking from concrete to formal. A formal thinker is one who thinks more like
an adult whereas he can project possibilities, reason and hypothesize. Because they are in a transition state, their
reactions can be either child-like or more adult-like. Most teens complete this transition between
the ages of 14 and 16.
Because early adolescents are developing
new thinking skills, there tends to be a slow down in learning capacity. There are no studies that explain this, but
the research is continuing.
Academics are not as much of a priority
as friendships and socialization. Some
early adolescents will purposely do poorly on a test or a paper in order to not
appear smarter or different from the majority of the others, avoiding rejection
or labeling. Some early adolescents do
not do well academically because they are so overwhelmed and preoccupied with
the physical, emotional and social changes that are occurring.
Attention spans and concentration levels
become shorter during this time of their growth. Activities need to be broken up into shorter
blocks and hands-on activities are necessary.
Early adolescents prefer to learn about what relates to their current
interests. Otherwise school can be
thought of as meaningless and boring.
Physical
Development
Both
girls and boys:
· Oil glands
become more active, producing sebum, an oily substance secreted by the glands on
the outer layer of skin. This produces
problems with acne.
· Sweat glands
become more active causing the child to perspire more.
· Some
children produce stretch marks as their body tends to grow fast during this
age.
· Voices get
deeper.
· Growth spurts
occur.
Girls:
· Breast
development
· Pubic and
underarm hair
· Thicker
hair on legs and arms
· Menstrual
period
· After
their menstruation, their body will develop into a more rounded, curvy shape.
· Growth in
height
Boys:
· Growth of
pubic and underarm hair
· Enlargement of
genitals
· Growth of hair
on the face, legs and abdomen
· Gains in
height and weight
· Body takes a
more muscular form
· Wet dreams
begin
How to
Cope with Adolescent Emotions and Behaviors
Coping with Early Adolescent Emotions
It is not easy to live with the
unpredictable emotions of teenagers. Parents, do not take personally the many criticisms,
negative remarks, and emotions that early adolescents throw your way. Usually they are frustrated or angry about
something else and will take it out on you, because they feel safer around
you.
**Prepare yourselves for what is
considered 
Early Adolescence-Understanding the
10-15 Year Old, 54,55)
Having said this, remember that your
sympathy and understanding must also be accompanied by your parental authority
and control. When your early adolescent
engages in unacceptable behavior they should be told it is unacceptable, and
they should also be told why. If you
don’t give an explanation or a reason and still impose your authority, your
child will eventually become resentful of you.
Early adolescents will not like being reprimanded or criticized, but
they will be internalizing the reasoning behind it.
When dealing with the problems of
early adolescents, most often the best thing to do is just to listen to
them. Talking is a way to relieve
frustration or anxiety about something. There are times that they may want advice,
and sometimes they just want reassurance about something or consolation and
encouragement when things are not going right.
Parental discussions, if not carried to an extreme, may not seem
effective at the time, but will stick with them in the long run. Solid values instilled by parents will remain
with the child even if they seem to stray from them during the teenage
years.
Early adolescents have a need for
security and stability in their family life.
Everything is changing in their lives right now: their bodies, emotions,
identity, and their intellect. They need
the support even though they may seem unappreciative. They need praise when they do something
well. Tell them when they made a
wonderful intellectual observation, or that they look good. Tell them when you
are proud of them and tell them why.
Don’t be general; let them know what it is that they are doing. They need this to build their self-confidence
and their self-esteem.
Managing Early Adolescent Behavior
As many adolescents begin to be
inconsiderate, critical or smart mouthed, many parents question their ability
to be a good parent. This is normal and
a little knowledge about puberty and adolescents will help parents get through
this stage with their child. Remember
that most of what they are going through is normal, natural and necessary.
Parenting is not always an easy task. As
children grow, they get more independent, being able to do more things by
themselves. Parenting an adolescent is
just as demanding as taking care of a newborn infant. It is just different. Parents wonder if their teen appreciates
everything that they are doing. Often, the
rewards of working hard during the adolescent years will not be evident until
both of you get through this stage of life.
While parenting through the
adolescent years, it will at times be very difficult. Adolescents often will backtalk their parents
and question parents’ rules. Try to remember back to your own
growing years: Did you talk back to your parents and then regret it many years
later? Are you glad that your parents
set rules for you so that you were safe?
Did you appreciate your parents more as you got older, especially when
you had your own children? All of these
things will be the same for your child.
Even though it doesn’t feel like it sometimes, adolescents will grow out
of this and learn to appreciate everything a bit more.
There is no one “parenting technique”
that is the answer to all parents’ questions and/or problems. There are some techniques that seem to be
effectively used by parents, educators and people that work with adolescents. When looking at the techniques, take into
consideration you and your child’s personality, disposition, values and
beliefs.
One of the first things parents will
notice when they have an adolescent is that they need to adjust their parenting
style. Before puberty, most children
will follow the parents’ rules and control.
Most parents tell the child to do something; the child does it or the
child will be punished. Compromise is
the title of the next phase of parenting because as the child goes through
puberty, they feel more adult and want to be treated like an adult. This is usually difficult to adjust to and
takes time to talk through many situations.
Parents need to be less “bossy” and act more like a negotiator and
explain things whenever appropriate or necessary. This takes time and often parents get very
frustrated trying to work everything out with their adolescent. If parents stick with the authority control
style, the adolescents constantly battle with them. If parents go with letting the adolescent do
whatever they want because it is easier, then the adolescents takes control of
the household and will most likely be very disrespectful to all adults in their
lives.
There will be times when parents
need to use the authority control style.
Usually this comes into play for safety issues. It is really important to listen to
adolescents. Think through everything
before making a decision. Parents should
try not to say no to everything. Compromise
and balance is very important. Letting
the child have his/her way to little things might help create a better
relationship with the child and the child won’t feel as much resentment. It is important for parents to be firm in
some situations yet also to compromise on less serious matters. A certain amount of rebellion is part of
growing up but should be kept to a reasonable point where it is not damaging or
uncontrollable.
Parents should always make sure to keep
the child’s best interests at the heart of every decision. Did you ever try to convince your parents
that you had to do something just because everyone else was doing it? Well,
many adolescents will try this and, if parents say no, they might be considered
an “uncool” parent.
It is important to remember that your adolescent might not always be
happy with your decision, but sometimes parents saying no might actually get
the adolescent off the hook from something that they didn’t want to do
anyway. The child can just tell their
friends, “my parents said no.” and then they are off the hook.
Parents need to remember that it is
important to not take adolescents’ behavior personally. This is all normal behavior and it is not
about the parent. This can be difficult
at times, especially when the child is mouthy or disrespectful. Remember to not let 
it get too out of control and always let the child
know that you are always there for them.
Sometimes adolescents need that reassurance that no matter how badly they
act or rebel, their parents always love them.
Remaining calm is extremely important,
especially when you need to make decisions on discipline. Parents are better
able to cope when they remember that puberty is part of the normal human
development and eventually the child will be an adult someday. Stating your expectations, rules and specific
standards is really important during adolescence. Parents often have difficulty with discipline
if they have been too lenient. This can
cause difficulties for the child in school and the workforce so it is really
important for the child to experience limits at home first.
Setting limits for adolescents is
critical for adolescent learning.
Sometimes parents are permissive because they are afraid that their child
might not love them if the child doesn’t get what they want. Another reason parents are permissive is
because the parents are so busy working (and feeling guilty about being away so
long) that when they are with the child they don’t want to say no. Children
want and need structure and limits.
These help them to develop a sense of what is right and wrong. This develops a secure feeling for the child
because they know that their parents will be there to keep them safe by making
some of the decisions for them.
Sometimes parents are permissive because they think that if they ignore
the problem, it will go away.
Unfortunately for those that try this, they will soon find out that this
does not work and behavior tends to get worse and worse.
Developing Effective Management Techniques 
1. Make sure to think through all rules
before setting them.
2. Have your child help set up some of
the rules and maybe some of the consequences.
Talk about what happens when the child doesn’t do their chores or their
homework.
3. Make sure to enforce the rules
consistently. It is really important to
show them that the rules and punishments are in place and you will enforce
them.
4. Expect your child to test the
rules. These initial confrontations are
to see if the rules are really in effect.
This will set the tone for future behavior.
5. Make sure to keep rules short and
simple. Too many rules can be
overwhelming and difficult to follow through.
6. Logical consequences for
rule-breaking behavior is important. “Make sure the punishment fits the crime.”
7. Try to have the punishment be fair,
realistic and workable. Grounding
someone for 6 months might be extreme.
Try to find a punishment that is not too long so that you can make sure
that you can follow through.
8. Try not to say things that you can’t
follow through. Sometimes in the heat of
the moment, threats can be said. It is
important to make sure when giving consequences that you have thought through
what you are saying.
9. Make sure that when you give new
privileges that you are ready for the child to continue with the new
privilege. For instance, if the child is
allowed to ride in friends’ cars, then be ready to let them do that all of the
time.
10. Be careful
of the phrase, “Everyone else is doing it.”
Adolescents tend to use this phrase while trying to convince you to let
them do something new.
Ways to Make Communication More Effective
1. Be honest and sincere.
2. When a child
asks to talk to you, usually they want you to listen to them. Only give advice if they ask for it.
3. Try to
treat the problem your child is having as important. Adolescents do not like it when you belittle
their issues.
4. Try not
to be critical with your child. If you
are, your child might not ask to talk to you again.
5. Use “I”
statements when trying to express your feelings. “I feel….” Instead of, “You make me mad….”
6. Didn’t
you hate it when your parents said, “I told you so.” Try to bite your lip and
not use this phrase. They will learn as
they grow.
What teenagers think you
should know
What Parents need to know about….
Friendships
Homework
Growing Up
School
Want to know what young adolescents
want you to know?
Read on to find out what
is on their minds……We asked some local young adolescents and here is what they
say…
Friendships
Parents need to know…..
o Who we’re hanging out with because they might be
doing drugs.
o We want to have friends over so we can have fun.
o That kids like to go and hang out with their friends
a lot because they feel responsible enough to take their own actions.
o That peer pressure has a great amount of influence.
o About my friends because you might like my friends
too.
o About friendships because I don’t know how to make
friends very well.
o About friendships because I don’t want to be bored
all of my life.
o About friendships because at the beginning of the
year I did not have any friends and now I do.
Homework
Parents need to know…..
o How much homework I have because teachers just never
give you a break.
o About homework help because sometimes kids want their
parents’ help and sometimes they don’t.
Before you just help, ask if we want your help.
o
That when we come home
and have to do our homework, that first we need to get de-stressed so we need to
watch a little TV before we do all of our homework.
o About homework because when kids don’t tell parents,
they don’t do their homework.
o How hard the homework is because even though it might
look easy for you, it is really hard for me.
Growing Up
Parents need to know….
o About us teenagers because then the parents could
talk to us about growing up and help us understand.
o That we need more time to play because this year we
don’t have recess.
o About teens because parents can embarrass us easily.
o About where we go because if you know about our
lives, you can be more connected to us and we will share more with you.
o That we can stay up later because we are older and
can get up in the morning.
o That we need more time to play.
o Everything because parents have had experience with
everything and if we ask you then you will probably know the answer.
o If I am being bullied because I need someone to talk
to.
School
Parents need to know…..
o That when I come home with a C on a test, try to
understand how bad I feel because I really worked hard.
o About school because it is important that you know
what is happening with me.
o That there are issues that go on in school and you should
be there to help your child through them.
Resources for parents of adolescents
– Books and Web pages
Books:
Þ 
Early Adolescence-Understanding the 10-15 Year Old
(1994) by Gail
Caissy
Þ What I Wish You Knew-Letters from
Our Daughters’ Lives and Expert Advice on Staying Connected – from the editors
of American Girl
Þ The Ambitious Generation:
Þ Cliques: Eight Steps to Help Your
Child Survive the Social Jungle (2001) by Charlene C. Gianetti
and Margaret Sagarese. Practical advice about
disarming bullies and what to do if your child is excluded.
Þ Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves
of Adolescent Girls (1999) by Mary Pipher. A powerful look at how our culture can
destroy a girl’s sense of self. Includes strategies that families can use to make her whole again.
Þ Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression
in Girls (2002) by Rachel Simmons.
(Another option is to get the DVD which was released in 2005)
Websites:
Þ Inside the Teenage Brain –
videos www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/teenbrain/view
Þ The National Middle School
Association http://www.nmsa.org/
Þ National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders – hotline, inpatient and outpatient referrals, support groups.